Sorry all but I had a bad well forever and I just need to let it all out.

Apparently I have a lot of things wrong with me. I have too many “issues”, how can I control that I have problems sleeping and wake up crying from nightmares. I am “selfish”, truthfully I am one of the most unselfish people I know- I give and give and give until I can’t take it anymore. I have been told several times, by different people, that I am “emotionally stunted”. How is it my fault that I don’t have anyone in my life that I am or have ever been close with, even family? I have grown up all by myself since the age of nine and have always been independent. My best friend doesn’t even let me speak because truthfully she is the selfish one and then she says I never “let myself out”. When ever I do say one word I am deemed “selfish”, what a conundrum.

This is slightly a same and different issue:

What does it take for someone to notice you? Like you? Love you? Will I need to: not like to read? Wear eyeliner? Not want to wait for “the one”? Only eat salad? Become a girly girl? Party and drink until I lose my inhibitions? Settle? Make sure my legs are always perfectly shaved? Lose weight? Somehow find a different family? Have no morals? Like videogames? Not have freckles? Like sports? Not be messy? Become a different person? Be perfect? For god sakes what is wrong with me being…ME.

I just needed to get this all out since I have no one to tell it to. I have kept all this inside for a long time. I know that was a whole lot of complaining… I completely understand if you don’t answer this. When someone tells me something sad, yes I feel terrible for them, but I have no idea how to react or how to comfort them (did someone say emotionally stunted?).

Ugh, life sucks right now.

Hopefully my next journal will be happier than this.